Manga Review: Kindergarten Wars 01 by You Chiba
Rich, famous and/or powerful people sometimes have small children they’d like to be able to go to kindergarten. Problem! There are many baddies in the world who would like to kidnap, murder or do worse things to the kiddos. Solution: Kindergarten Noir, the safest kindergarten in the world, under constant guard by special teachers who will keep the children safe under any circumstances. But it’s a job with a high fatality rate, so the majority of this kindergarten’s teachers are in fact criminals who are serving in hopes of reducing their sentence.
Our protagonist is Convict #999, Rita, a legendary assassin who’s very good with guns, but unlucky in love. Rita is twenty years old, ready for romance and looking for a hottie boyfriend. Unfortunately, as a kindergarten teacher who can’t leave the grounds except by special assignment, the only adult men she meets are either fellow teachers (more on that later) or villains who’ve come to hurt the children.
Spade, a professional hitman, has been assigned to assassinate the son of Amazonesstm‘s CEO. As a hardened criminal, he is unhesitant to take the assignment, even though “the world’s safest kindergarten” has a reputation for being unbreachable. At first, the place looks wide open, and he uses a sniper rifle to–have the bullet deflected by Rita’s trowel.
She closes the distance almost instantly, and has the upper hand in the ensuing fight–until Spade’s mask comes off. It turns out he’s a total hottie of the type that Rita is especially vulnerable to. She starts hitting on him, and Spade thinks he’ll be able to seduce this foolish young woman. Up until he gives the wrong answer to a compatibility question, and Rita kills him on reflex.
She reports back to the principal (dressed like a Victorian nanny), who reminds Rita there’s 51 weeks left of her sentence and if the assassin falters, she’ll die.
But then the child that Rita protected gives her a clover, and she remembers her tragic past as an orphan forced to become an assassin. She is pleased to have done something relatively pro-social and looks forward to being released.
Next up is an attack by master of disguise Club. It does not go well for him, though Rita needs a last minute assist from fellow Dandelion Class teacher Doug.
This is followed by a chapter focusing on Doug, whose primary vocation is theft and swindling, though he’s also a fearsome combatant. We learn his depressing backstory, and that while he’s also a hottie, Rita doesn’t like him because he’s reflexively dishonest. Doug is captured by interrogation specialist Diamond and has to be rescued by Rita, though then he saves her life again.
They might be bonding, but they still irritate each other.
The principal announces that a new hire is coming–Rita runs into who she thinks is that new hire, but it’s actually Heart, the last of the Suite Assassins. He’s another hottie who fails the compatibility questions. The actual new hire is Hana, an explosives expert.
Hana is from a family of explosive killers, and wants to rescue her brother from their father, who’s imprisoned Big Bro for failing on a mission and plans to kill him. The principal authorizes a rescue mission for the Dandelion Class teachers. But it turns out to be a trap! Whose side is Hana really on?
This manga started running in 2022. It’s cute but grotesque, combining adorable characters with deadly action. Rita is a silly main character, a hardened (sorta) assassin who’s more concerned with getting laid. She’s baby-faced, drawn with the same round face and simple features as her kindergarten charges.
The gags are nice, but rapidly becoming repetitive even within this first volume.
Content note: lethal violence, slapstick, child abuse in the backstory. Older teens should be okay.
This one may be a good choice for people who like Happy Kanako’s Killer Life (which has an anime coming soon!) and have read all the volumes of that.
